Bittersweet

Knee-deep.

Waist-deep.

Chest-deep.

That’s how high the flood in some areas in the city due to tropical storm Maring (international name – Trami). Classes were suspended but since it’s not signal number 3, the working masses still need to go to their respective offices – if we can.

I can’t. The garage is flooded. Outside it’s flooded.

I can’t float in the flood. I can’t swim through the flood. I can’t fly over the flood.

I can only work at home.

Bittersweet. Not because I am working at home – I am used to it, working — beyond my working hours.

Bittersweet. Us, here, experiencing several storms in a year – the one before this, Labuyo (Utor), visited us just last week. I won’t talk about bitterness — just bittersweet. Because these storms oftentimes bring out the best in us.

We continuously learn how to rebuild.

We continuously hold on to the One who can calm the storms.

Bittersweet — I remember I have this book title by Shauna Niequist . And the first thing that I read was ‘on crying in the bathroom’ because I did cried in the bathroom. Not once, nor twice. Too many times – because it’s less messy to cry in the bathroom!

I can relate in most of the entries, not only because I too had a miscarriage, but because I know how bittersweet taste — and I know you do too.

So many bittersweet thoughts for the day and one of them is — my blog friends. I haven’t been a good friend for a long time. I was not able to visit them as much and when I did, some are no longer writing actively as well.

I know. I know. Our priorities do change as the need arises. We sometimes need to give up something in order to focus on to another thing. Bittersweet.

And like Shauna I also ask for help — to the One who truly knows my heart.

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‘on crying in the bathroom’ by Shauna Niequist

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Yes, I would like to believe that too even though the storm outside is not leaving today.

Even though there is a storm inside.

Heart-deep.

Wish-deep.

Knee-dip.

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‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” – Revelation 21:4

🙂

Linked

Between sipping tea and shelling pistachios for breakfast I watched my cute daughter draw. It is a good day, a very good day, a very God day.

I just had a very full and tiring week at work and I see the next coming 18 months that way. I am afraid not of the loads of work but of the time I could be further missing my kiddos. We hardly began the focused works on the overhaul of systems and processes brought by the transition to our new company when I was identified as the potential weakest link in our team because I had pushed through with the holiday vacations with my family. They scheduled meetings on later part of 2012 and first week of 2013 but I declined. I appreciated I was chosen to be part of the team but it doesn’t mean I am giving up my most valuable team, my family.

I have assessed how I did in all the teams I was involved and holy mama I was strong! And I know that the very person who made the forecast was not able to realize his projects on time. Armed with that fact, I offered that they may take me out of the team because I was never ever a yes person. I believe in firm NO — NO to pulling down.

That is the reason why I only had tea and pistachios for breakfast this weekend — otherwise, I’ll have a heap of everything in the table, lol! But it felt good to slowly sip the tea and play with pistachio shells. It is very good to watch my daughter draw while she smiles to me from time to time. It is very good to smile for what God has for me.

 

 

It is a very God day! He reminded me once more that I am loved and I am on His team — linked strongly!

Yes, I am still on the working team.

Yes, I am the missing link — missing you!

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The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights. For the director of music. On my stringed instruments.

– Habakkuk 3:19

🙂

India’s 50,000 Missing Children

I miss you all too!

And yes from time to time I pause and think of you and pray for you my dear blog friends.

The heart strings were not cut. They were turned into lovely friendship bows.

The times that were used to be spent online were added to more hugs, kisses, sharing stories, crafting, smiling, walking around, counting blessings, and smelling the armpits of my kiddos.

It was all good. Soooo good. Very very very good.

It is such a blessing to be a mom. Just one kid brings so much joy. And I have four!

And today I read that around 50,000 children go missing yearly in India. That is 14 children missing everyday — infinite heartaches each second.

(Photos from the News)

The kids are missing due to human trafficking. And this surely is not happening in India alone. We have our own numbers in our own backyard. It makes my heart ache as a mom and as human. What happened to our own kind, the adults? What happened to their hearts?

I pray that each one will hear God’s word. And feel God’s heart. Then feel their own. And know that God is in the heart business. He cleans, He restores, He makes new, and He loves.

Let us all give tight hugs, real tight hugs to all the children of the world.

Let us whisper that they are loved so much by God. Some might not believe it, like most of us do at some point in our lives, but still let us whisper. One day that whisper will be heard — loud and clear.

*

All your children shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace of your children. – Isaiah 54:13

 

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Adios Amigos

It’s been weeks since I last visited your place and my place.

I am tempted to finally say, “Adios Amigos.”

But here I am saying instead, “Ahhh Diyos Amigos!”

Diyos is the Filipino translation for God.

“It’s God my friends!”

Who else will stop the flood caused by 11 straight days of monsoon rain?

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Who else will make Filipinos smile in hope?

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 Who else will provide what you need most?

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Who else will soak  you in love?

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Who else will make one fit for the ohlifepics?

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Who else will lay down his life for us?

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Ahhh Diyos Amigos!

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Where ever you are right now — down the deep or floating on air

Whatever you may be doing right now — laughing in pain or crying in happiness

We both know that God alone knows His purpose for us — and it is good.

I believe that even when I feel like something so bad is happening to me.

I believe that feelings are not always the truth — but He is.

I choose to believe because…

it’s raining hard again outside! 🙂

Ahhh Diyos Amigos!

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The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed. -Psalm 7:16

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Note: Photos are not mine as I can’t be everywhere while there’s flood. 🙂

Love Falls

Him:    I love you!

Me:    I love you so much!

Him:    I love you so much more!   *kiss*

Me:    Thank you! I have a big smile 🙂 😉   *kiss*

Him:    I’m so happy that I made you smile 🙂

Sweet, huh?

That is not always the case because there was a time when the exchanges were, “I hate you!” and “I HATE YOU!”

Bitter, yeah.

Most of us might have tasted how bittersweet love can be. It will be the case as long as we are humans. And humans expect. And humans fall short of each other’s expectations.

Since human falls, love falls.

It falls…

…

But it can be picked up

And put altogether

But no, the pieces cannot be put all together

There will be cracks and holes and deformities

The question is, “What do you do with it?”

Glue it with insincere repentance?

Fill it with temporary pleasures?

Straighten things up to our satisfaction?

or

Let God seep through every crack.

Let God fill in the holes.

Let God show us that there is really no deformity

But something special.

And what do you do with something special?

Love it!

🙂

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3

🙂

Find My Way Back Into Love

 

Detectives and lawyer

They were my companions in my younger years

Those book characters were with me everywhere

 

I once imagined myself as

Smart and resourceful Nancy Drew

With brothers as lucky and clever as Hardy Boys

 

But I think I grew up

With astute logical reasoning as Sherlock Holmes

With an ability to get somebody out of trouble like Perry Mason

 

My family was hopeful

That someday they will see me in court

A lawyer just like my uncle

 

But I couldn’t tell them

I just wanted to be a woman, wife and a mom

I haven’t told anyone until now

 

And so I grow older and took up engineering

And yes I became a woman, wife and a mom

Defending someone, saving myself and trying to be logical

 

Dream came true? I don’t know. All I know is I could be Hercule Poirot

Who believes that “in the long run, either through a lie, or through truth,

people were bound to give themselves away…”

*

For Gooseberry Garden on Childhood, Dreams, Books, Role Models.

 

It’s true. All I ever dreamt of was to be a woman, wife and a mom — all because I wanted to find my way back into love. And how about you?

 

 

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. – Matthew 7:7

🙂

Day 31: Remember Your Death Experiences

 

Less than a month ago I discovered a lump in my breast. What immediately came to mind is the possibility of breast cancer and of near-death. It made me pause and check myself.

There was no fear. There was no worry. How could it be?

I realized that I have been prepared for this – with my death experiences.

Death of dreams.

Death of trust.

Death of happiness.

Death of confidence.

Death of enthusiasm.

Death of hope.

Death of courage.

Death of spirit.

With those deaths I never asked, “Why? Why? Why?”  But nevertheless I am now given an answer if ever I ask, “WHY?!”

I was being prepared to give birth to my faith.

I gave birth to 4 living babies and my 1 unborn was taken from inside. Pure labor and pain before the release of lives from within me – very much like the birth of faith.

Please click for other days.

 

It’s Day 31 of Feeling Good! And I’m talking about death? Surely death is painful if we focus on the loss. But if we shift our focus to what it gave birth to – it has beauty on its own.

I never thought that faith alone could give birth to so many wonderful things.

Birth of dreams.

Birth of trust.

Birth of happiness.

Birth of confidence.

Birth of enthusiasm.

Birth of hope.

Birth of courage.

Birth of spirit.

Yes, what were lost are best lost. Now I have new ones — better ones plus so much more.

And oh, the lump in my breast is possibly not cancerous. The doctor told me to go back after a month to confirm if I need an operation but as of now, it subsided already. Death of lump?

Now tell me, how can I not feel good? Sometimes feeling good is not about feelings but about trust. That we are better off with it; how others are better off with it – with what is given or taken away.

This is the end of my 31 Days of Feeling Good series – but not the end of feeling good!

 

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” – Revelation 21:4

🙂

Day 26: Weather Your Storms Well

 

I lived amongst storms

Real ones

Those that drenched the flesh;

Metaphorical ones

Those that dried the bones.

Since I cannot afford to be defeated

I think of storms as redemptive

Instead of restrictive.

I can’t hide and curl up forever

Got to go on despite the lashing of the winds

Got to bend real well and grip real hard.

And when the floods reached my soul

Got to swim or float

The Lifeguard is after all looking out for me.

 

Please click for other days.

 

It’s Day 26 of Feeling Good! Holy Lord I didn’t know bended spoon could bend that much! Thank you Lord for letting me know how flexible you have made me. That I can weather the storms without boots and raincoat and umbrella – because I have you!

 

Feel good, storms can take out the debris out of your life and leave you with valuable ones!

 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10

🙂

Day 21: Remember You Are The Spell The Universe Has Cast

 

Abracadabra

You don’t have to be a witch

To cast a spell.

Just be humane

Wish everything shall be well

And everyone shall heal.

 

Please click for other days.

 

It’s Day 21 of Feeling Good! No we do not need to boil the spit of 12 mosquitoes or pound the 123^rd foot of the millipede to feel good. What we need is 1 billion and four understanding and 1 billion and five of forgiveness.

Now close your eyes and get in touch with your soul. When you find her, smile to her and chant this:

God loves you. He really loves you. Really really loves you.

He will heal you and turn your scars into stars. Really really heal you.

Heal my soul and cast a spell of blessings to the world. Really really cast them.

And all shall be well. All shall be well. Really really well.

 

Feel good for God is good!

 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1Peter 5:7

🙂

Day 17: Get Up. Take A Step.

You put me down.

Down I was yet it wasn’t enough.

Enough is face flat on the ground.

Ground had my tears.

Tears flowed in sorrow.

Sorrow engulfed me as you stooped to put me down.

Down I may be but surely I will get up and take a step.

Step back I am moving on.

On stooping, realize that it’s your choice to be so low.

Low enough that I can no longer see you.

You succeeded in loosing yourself.

*
For Gooseberry Garden on Longing, loss, loosing & failure.

Please click for other days.

It’s Day 17 of Feeling Good!

Down? Get up. Take a step.

Down? Get up. Take a step. Take a step.

Down? Get up. Take a step. Take a step. Take a step.

Feel good, you will reach where you are meant to be.

Just get up. Take a step.

 

Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.

– Isaiah 60:1

🙂

Day 16: Be A Good Apple

Be a good apple

knowing that you will affect

the whole basket.

You can either spoil it

or raise its value.

Please click for other days.

It’s Day 16 of Feeling Good! No doubt about it, you make a difference just like that one single apple. But unlike an apple, your condition can be reversed — from spoiled to good one; from rotten to new one.

Can you really feel good if you stay spoiled?

Come on, let your goodness come out and feel good!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

– 2 Corinthians 5:17

🙂

Day 13: Hold On To Your Principles

It’s not easy to hold on to your principles

When you are more concerned on what others might think about you.

It takes self-respect to not let others define you.

It takes understanding of the people who will frown at you.

It takes courage to be at risk of exclusion.

It takes love to be real with yourself and be happy about it.

Please click for other days.

It’s Day 13 of Feeling Good! Two days ago I received a call from a cigarette company asking me if I’m interested to join them. They will give my desired salary based on my CV saved in a job portal. Good, no more negotiations then on the salary. Bad, one of my principles is not to work with something I do not believe in. And so I politely replied without hesitation, “Thank you for the offer but I am not an advocate of smoking.”

“Are you sure? We can raise the offer?”

“It won’t affect my decision.”

“If you change your mind, please call this number.”

I am not changing my mind despite that some of my friends convinced me that it is okay.

I do not want to go to work every day knowing that I am part of something that is killing the people I love; the people I know; the people I do not know.

I want to be happy without sacrificing my principles and the people I love.

How about you, have you established your own principles?  Would you care enough to share one?

Got to feel good!

Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.”  – 1 Peter 3:13-14

🙂

Day 12: Turn Around

Image from Bluebell Books: Short Story Slam Week 12

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“Even if you turn your back on me I still love you.”

“I will not grow tired of understanding you.”

“I will not leave you.”

“I will wait for you to turn around — for us to see face to face.”

“You will see that I delight in you.”

“You will understand that I want nothing but the best for you.”

“And when finally you delight in me and rejoice with me you will know that nothing really ever comes between us.”

“Just like when you were still a baby.”

Please click for other days.

It’s Day 12 of Feeling Good!  Ashamed? Afraid? Angry? Turn around.

How delighted will you be to see your baby’s precious face and feel the heartfelt embrace? Do you think God will not feel the same?

Turn around and feel good!

He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. – Zephaniah 3:17

🙂

Day 11: Don’t Jump To Conclusion

It looks like

I bet

I suspected

I assume

It’s possible.

It seems

I supposed

I concluded

For sure.

Please click for other days.

It’s Day 11 of Feeling Good! Head first. Oops I do not mean that we jump head first but let reason and facts guide us. Jumping to conclusion is a pointless activity. It will make us fall without arriving at all to the truth – stressful and could be painful.

Walk in truth, to the truth, and feel good!

These are the things that you shall do: Speak the truth to one another; render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace. – Zechariah 8:16

🙂

Day 6: Connect

We are happiest when we are connected

with people

with life

with the Source of Life.

Technology made it possible for us

to connect as people

to connect with life beyond where we are

to even connect with the Source of Life

when we understand the person

when we understand where the person is coming from

when we understand the Word.

Please click for other days.

It’s Day 6 of Feeling Good! Millions are sad for the death of Steve Jobs. Millions are sad because Steve Jobs succeeded in making others feel good. He offered cool innovations and designs just  because — “A lot of times, people don’t know what they want until you show it to them.” He succeeded in connecting with the heart of people — he made them want what he offered!

No, I am not feeling good because of Steve Jobs death. I am feeling good because there are people like him who never give up and hungry to make things better.

Technology, much is said about it but it need not separate us from God.

Touch screen.

Touch people.

Connect.

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ,

– Colossians 2:2

🙂

Day 3: Stop Being A Victim

I was pushed toward the darkness

But just because I was in the dark

I have to stay in the dark

But just because I see no light

I have to believe that there is no light

If the smallest seed

Can push through the ground

To live in the light,

So can I.

Please click for other days.

It’s Day 3 of Feeling Good!  Whatever has befallen you, like being covered with a mop head, just shake it off and fly!

But before you take off please say this to yourself —  “I refuse to be a victim. I am a victor!”

High heat, high pressure

Carbon atoms re-arranged

See how it shines now!

Thank you so much! My pleasure to pass the brilliance to ZQ’s Runaway Child.

I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me.

– Psalm 118:13

🙂

Day 2: Have A Little Sweetness

Yes, even a little please.

A little sweetness from everyone could dilute

the bitterness

the sourness

the blandness

in somebody else’s life.

Have a little sweetness please.

Promise, you won’t get a toothache

but a sweeter life instead.

Please click for other days.

 

It’s Day 2 of Feeling Good! Wishing you have a sweet beautiful day ahead of you.

But before you go please be sweet enough to say a thoughtful prayer to Aj, a brave 8 year-old boy, whose face has distorted and the doctor couldn’t normalize it yet. Prayer could heal and let yours count.

Thank you soooo much sweetest!

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth.

– Psalm 119:103

🙂

Nesat, the 16th Typhoon to Hit the Philippines for Year 2011

harsh beating

Heavy downpours, fierce winds, floods, fallen trees, power outages, cancelled flights, missing persons, deaths, worried hearts — these are just some of the effects of the typhoon in our country.

Just yesterday, we remembered the Typhoon Ketsana (local name: Typhoon Ondoy) that struck us exactly two years ago which left more than 500 people dead. Exactly two years ago our family waded in waist-deep flood to move to safer ground. Exactly two years ago waists of some people were not reached by the flood because they were on the roof of their houses where the flood almost reaches it.

Right at this moment Typhoon Nesat (local name: Typhoon Pedring) is busy lashing out outside. It is the 16th Typhoon to hit the Philippines this year. News said that at least seven persons are now confirmed dead and Nesat is not yet stopping.

 

hanging on

Typhoons no longer make me afraid because after all we have around 20 typhoons per year. But typhoons do make my heart really really sad. Sadder than the reality that many lost homes, that is if they have one. Sadder than the reality that many don’t have supply of food, that is  if they even eat regularly prior to the typhoon. Sadder than the reality that lives were lost due to calamity, that is if they don’t consider their breathing life as calamity in itself.

What makes my heart really really sad are those beings outside of us, those beings who never once walked in our shoes, those beings who were never planted in similar geographical setting as ours, those beings who don’t have the resilience to live through all what we’re going through but confident enough to say these:

 

“Go Typhoon cleanse the land of those dog eaters !”

“Hahahahaahahahah won hung lo raugh and raugh so much at stupid inbred coconut head firipino!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahah”

“And Filipinos think they are invincible, untouchable and indispensable. Guess not.”

“pinoys are tough…as cockroaches…. yucks…disgusting”

“ohhhh, did the one god of the desert wound your land?”

“I’m sorry but which one of the imaginary fairies is going to bless these people?”

“Filipinos have been praying to their god for six hundreds years and yet their country is getting more miserable every second. Pray harder, folks.”

“Praying” to who? Your imaginary friend in the sky who never answers your prayers or anyone el ses? Doesn’t even decide to reveal itself. Ok good luck praying to something that doesn’t exist. HA!”

“Watch everything you own….been there 20 years and never meet a honest person there”

“Uh, oh! time for Obama to furher bankrupt us by borrowing money from China to give to the Phillipines!”

 

braving through

What makes my heart really really sad are those beings among us who at one point may have embittered others and provoke them to generalize, to label, to mistrust, to not give a second thought on discovering that there is really something good within us — just like the rest of the world.

If you are one of those hurt by a Filipino, please accept my apology. If you are one of those who hurt a Filipino, please accept my forgiveness.

Typhoons can be very damaging and so do tongues and thoughts. May there be healing in the land, in the people.

 

moving on

Be safe everyone and yes in the midst of all this I still want to smile –this too shall pass.

🙂

Tears

Image from Bluebell Books: Short Story Slam Week 9.

*

Hera cried.

She stood watching the ship that will take Damian away from her.

Not a square inch of her handkerchief was left dry.

She silently asked herself, “How would one know if the tears that are falling are tears of sadness or tears of happiness?”

Over the years she had grown ugly, wounded, twisted like a wire repeatedly pliered. But she kept her hopes and dreams alive, like a live wire plugged to the power source.

The ship is now drifting farther, farther and farther away as the sun goes down, down, and down. Hera knew a miracle is occurring. Together with the vanishing of the ship and the sun from her sight, the tumult of terror, bitterness, anger, and despair is leaving her as well.

She stood for a minute more before fully knowing if her tears are of sadness or of happiness. She knew the moment her lips smiled involuntarily.

Before turning back to leave, she further soaked her handkerchief.

🙂

Cornerless Field

Image from Bluebells Books: Short Story Slam Week 8

*

Her heart was messy.

Her dream was broken.

She only dreamed of four happy corners and still it was taken away.

“God, I do not deserve this.”

“Yes, you do not deserve that,” replied God. “You deserve so much more.”

“I dream for you not only four happy corners but cornerless field that touches the sky.”

“All is yours but not all can be yours unless you choose to see all of it.”

“You cannot see it by just looking to the left and what is just left.”

“You cannot see it by just looking to the right and claiming that you are always right.”

“You cannot see it by just looking down and putting yourself down.”

“You cannot see it by just looking up and believe that I am only up there.”

“I am everywhere. I am especially with you. You could try seeing all around you — with my eyes.”

Her heart is merry.

🙂