Farewell Fare Well

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My posts are coming very far between.

I think of you my blog friends.

I feel like I kept you hanging. Thank you for hanging around though.

It has been a crazy schedule and let me share to you how crazy it is, here.

My holidays are planned already, 24/27.

I need to refocus. I need to inventory my life.

I am sorry that I need to say farewell to this refuge and to you my blog friends.

I started blogging when I decided that I needed to move on from a very painful season of my life.

Thank you for coming to my life one by one. Thank you for lifting me up, for understanding, and yes, for loving me just as I am.

I have moved on but that is not to say that I no longer hurt each time there are triggers to remind me.

But thank God, He is always there to comfort me.

And now I am moving on, again.

Shall we take one last look of how the spoons were bent?

arrrgghhhh

aaahhhhhh

uuuhhhhh

easy huh! 🙂 🙂 🙂 😦

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The benders have grown now. Look what happened to them after three years — so fast.

They continue to bloom wonderfully. Thank God.

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Got to create memories together with them.

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Blend into the colors of their lives.

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So this is it. Farewell to bended spoon. No, it won’t evolve to bent spoon. I liked it that way, when some still appreciates despite the imperfection.

Farewell bended spoon.

Fare well my friends. Bloom.

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Fare well. Fare well. Fare well.

Bloom. Bloom. Bloom.

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The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy. The glory of Lebanon will be given to it, the splendor of Carmel and Sharon; they will see the glory of the Lord, the splendor of our God. – Isaiah 35:1-2

🙂

Bittersweet

Knee-deep.

Waist-deep.

Chest-deep.

That’s how high the flood in some areas in the city due to tropical storm Maring (international name – Trami). Classes were suspended but since it’s not signal number 3, the working masses still need to go to their respective offices – if we can.

I can’t. The garage is flooded. Outside it’s flooded.

I can’t float in the flood. I can’t swim through the flood. I can’t fly over the flood.

I can only work at home.

Bittersweet. Not because I am working at home – I am used to it, working — beyond my working hours.

Bittersweet. Us, here, experiencing several storms in a year – the one before this, Labuyo (Utor), visited us just last week. I won’t talk about bitterness — just bittersweet. Because these storms oftentimes bring out the best in us.

We continuously learn how to rebuild.

We continuously hold on to the One who can calm the storms.

Bittersweet — I remember I have this book title by Shauna Niequist . And the first thing that I read was ‘on crying in the bathroom’ because I did cried in the bathroom. Not once, nor twice. Too many times – because it’s less messy to cry in the bathroom!

I can relate in most of the entries, not only because I too had a miscarriage, but because I know how bittersweet taste — and I know you do too.

So many bittersweet thoughts for the day and one of them is — my blog friends. I haven’t been a good friend for a long time. I was not able to visit them as much and when I did, some are no longer writing actively as well.

I know. I know. Our priorities do change as the need arises. We sometimes need to give up something in order to focus on to another thing. Bittersweet.

And like Shauna I also ask for help — to the One who truly knows my heart.

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‘on crying in the bathroom’ by Shauna Niequist

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Yes, I would like to believe that too even though the storm outside is not leaving today.

Even though there is a storm inside.

Heart-deep.

Wish-deep.

Knee-dip.

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‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” – Revelation 21:4

🙂

Super Storm

waves by Sandy — yahoo news Oct 27, 2012

 

To those who are affected by super storm Sandy, my prayers are with you.

I was worried in the thought that some might not be used to storms and its effect thus might be greatly devastated. But then I realized that we are all humans equipped with coping mechanism by no less than our Mighty Creator. Yes, that’s only how far we can go alone, coping — getting by. But living with life (there’s living like dead, right?) is only possible with God.

I myself have been through so many storms since I was conceived up to now — be it life’s storms that hits like nothing else or the powerful wind and rain that hit Philippines 20 times a year on the average.

Looking back, I realized how much I appreciated storms when I was a little girl. After candle lit nights due to power outage I would excitedly go out and appreciate the brighter surroundings — brighter because some trees fell or branches were broken. I would go around picking fallen fruits and coconuts and was so excited when I found a turtle! I was aware that there was damage but my young eyes were appreciative of the clean up.

When I got older, especially when I became a mom, it was different. There were worries on possible shortage of food or drowning in the flood. There were worries on severance of relationships and drowning in despair.

There is worry until there is trust in the Lord. Until I talk with the Lord. Until I connect with the Lord.

As human, there is only so much that I can do. The more I worry of what I cannot do, the more I am not able to do what I can do — like entrusting my worries to the Lord.

I am worried about you — and I am entrusting you to the Lord who can carry us through storms and give the warmest comfort.

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He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. – Psalm 107:29

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I Am Not A Good Girl

Oh yes, I am not a good girl

I whipped someone with my words

I crushed myself with my thoughts

I fought out of pride

I allowed myself beaten

I wished for someone else’s death

I wished for my own death

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 Oh yes, I am not a good girl

I cannot stop hating passionately

I cannot control my evil thoughts

I cannot move on from bitter past

I cannot have freedom from guilt

I cannot be a good girl on my own

Unless I am dependent on good God

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Happy Independence Day to all my American Friends. This might means so much to you as it means so much to us Filipinos when we celebrate our independence from Spanish and American colonies. But honestly, I am not so sure if we are truly independent as a nation. Can one indeed be free just because the tangible prison wall is brought down?

What I am sure is I am free when I allow my Saviour to rescue me from the intangibles that imprison and stop me from being a good girl.

How about you, are you a good girl? Are you free?

You may not answer the questions but please feel free to listen to this  song.

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In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered by setting me free. – Psalm 118:5

🙂

Why I’m Sad with the Result of the American Idol Season 11

Or any other contest where a Filipino or with a hint of a Filipino wasn’t proclaimed the winner.

Ugly words can be heard all over. Or is it just me who doesn’t like the sound of “Racism” when it could really be not. Or “The winner is not really beautiful or smart or talented” or “The judges and voters are unfair”.

Millions of Filipinos could be bitter, salty, sour or a combination of two or three.

I am not sure if there’s even a food that tastes good with all three flavors in it.

I am a Filipino with 1 liter of Chinese blood. And I would be one of the happiest if Jessica Sanchez won the American Idol title.

I am a human with 5 liters of red blood. And I would be one of the happiest if we are gracious enough to accept that someone is better than us by human standard.

I am not a TV fan thus I’m not a fanatic of American Idol or any show. If I can, I only watch the finals where a Filipino is a finalist. I love Filipinos — how they can be very resilient, kind, beautiful, talented – but even then, no race has a monopoly of these qualities.

I may be sad but I am happy as well with the result of American Idol Season 11. A Filipina is first runner up. Wow! Congratulations Jessica Sanchez! You are a great singer and how you have dealt with the defeat is a sure win!

And congratulations Phillip Phillips! How you dealt with victory sealed the title! I enjoyed your finale performance and I like the song “Home” especially the line, “Don’t pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear…”

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He looked up to heaven and with a deep sigh said to him, “Ephphatha!” (which means, “Be opened!”)– Mark 7:34

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Any Idea?

We are officially sold. We are no longer part of the pharmaceutical business. We are just a nutritionals and food business. Some of my colleagues were notified already that their services are only needed until end of May.

Years ago, months ago, days ago we all have no idea that we will be part of this. By ‘this’ I mean what is currently happening to us. By ‘us’ I mean US – U and Spoon. We already have our own plans for the future. Plans on what, when, where and how things will happen. But these are all uncertain because only God knows why things should happen.

And so life goes on. There is no stopping us and the kiddos in watching The Avengers. We all like superheroes but as Captain America said, “There is only one God and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that.” And I say amen to that.

I have been telling myself that I’ll cross the bridge when I reach there, wherever ‘there’ is. Now I have second thoughts because my Super God might have a different idea – fly me or plant me? What bridge?

I dare not ask why. He will let me know — or not. He will let me grow – oh yes.

 

P.S.  Someone do you wrong? May we never forget that we are not The Avengers.

P.S.2 Any idea for the title?

 

However, as it is written: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him”—1 Corinthians 2:9

🙂

A Christmas Story, Anytime

Prompt from Bluebell Books Short Story Slam Week 19

Image Credit to Whitebook @ DeviantArt, titled A Christmas Story for Rezzan

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I ran away from him. It was Christmas time.

That was years ago. Not for good. Just for awhile.

I was confused and in pain.

Faith is amazing. It made me go back.

It connected me to God.

Faith is trusting in the now – that right now great things are unfolding no matter how unbelievable it is. What seems dead may be breathing for new life.

Faith is being excited about tomorrow – that tomorrow great things will be unfolded no matter how unbelievable it may be. What seems dead is alive and fruitful!

Faith is amazing. Faith got me back.

It connected me to God’s graces.

I was overwhelmed and in His arms.

That is now and tomorrow. For good. Not just for awhile.

I ran towards Him. It is me, Rea.

 

Then Jesus answered, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour. – Matthew 15:28

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That Smile

looked beyond the lens

confident of devotion

effortless smile

looked beyond the truth

convinced oneself it’s unreal

bittersweet smile

looked beyond what’s seen

trusting the One who sees all

reassured smile

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For Gooseberry Garden on Photos, Nostalgia, Memories, and Families

 

Life goes on. Despite several endings. Life goes on. Despite several deaths.

Life goes on. Because there are endings. Life goes on. Because there are deaths.

If you are beside me now you’ll know that I am actually babbling.

I am not even sure if I am dazed or tired or both or anything else.

But I am so sure that I am sincerely grateful for all of you.

You who brought love, hope, blessings, prayers, and all good things in here.

Would you bring some too for BAYLIS?

He is a good man with epilepsy, aphasia and Parkinson’s.

He had brain tumor removed and will have a cataract surgery on both eyes next month. Thank you for your prayers.

He was a University Professor and a Pastor (if I’m not mistaken) and so much more — maybe Baylis can tell us.

When I think of Baylis, I can’t help but remember Job —  Job who was challenged with difficult circumstances and still kept his faith in God.

Baylis, despite his difficult circumstances, still managed to appreciate and encourage others — like me. Thank you so much!

And I am sure he has a very special smile – maybe he can tell us about that too!

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“I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” – Job 42:2

🙂

Healing Bath

Image from Bluebell Books: Short Story Slam Week 14

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I am letting go. I no longer want to wait.

No more waiting for the phone to ring. No more checking my e-mail twice a day. No more torturing myself thinking of you. From hopeful to edgy; to depressed; to desperate; to discouraged — I am now letting go.

It’s about time to soak my callous heart in healing bath, scrub away your lies, indulge in heaven scent dreams and rinse with confidence that there are wonderful revelations ahead of me.

I love tub for one. I can close my eyes knowing I am safe alone. There’s no one to highlight flaws and no one to crush the spirit.

Oh there’s rubber ducky to remind me to not to be so hard with myself and to smile despite the emptiness inside. Grace will fill all the empty spaces…

 

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. – 1 Peter 5:10

🙂

Day 31: Remember Your Death Experiences

 

Less than a month ago I discovered a lump in my breast. What immediately came to mind is the possibility of breast cancer and of near-death. It made me pause and check myself.

There was no fear. There was no worry. How could it be?

I realized that I have been prepared for this – with my death experiences.

Death of dreams.

Death of trust.

Death of happiness.

Death of confidence.

Death of enthusiasm.

Death of hope.

Death of courage.

Death of spirit.

With those deaths I never asked, “Why? Why? Why?”  But nevertheless I am now given an answer if ever I ask, “WHY?!”

I was being prepared to give birth to my faith.

I gave birth to 4 living babies and my 1 unborn was taken from inside. Pure labor and pain before the release of lives from within me – very much like the birth of faith.

Please click for other days.

 

It’s Day 31 of Feeling Good! And I’m talking about death? Surely death is painful if we focus on the loss. But if we shift our focus to what it gave birth to – it has beauty on its own.

I never thought that faith alone could give birth to so many wonderful things.

Birth of dreams.

Birth of trust.

Birth of happiness.

Birth of confidence.

Birth of enthusiasm.

Birth of hope.

Birth of courage.

Birth of spirit.

Yes, what were lost are best lost. Now I have new ones — better ones plus so much more.

And oh, the lump in my breast is possibly not cancerous. The doctor told me to go back after a month to confirm if I need an operation but as of now, it subsided already. Death of lump?

Now tell me, how can I not feel good? Sometimes feeling good is not about feelings but about trust. That we are better off with it; how others are better off with it – with what is given or taken away.

This is the end of my 31 Days of Feeling Good series – but not the end of feeling good!

 

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” – Revelation 21:4

🙂

Day 21: Remember You Are The Spell The Universe Has Cast

 

Abracadabra

You don’t have to be a witch

To cast a spell.

Just be humane

Wish everything shall be well

And everyone shall heal.

 

Please click for other days.

 

It’s Day 21 of Feeling Good! No we do not need to boil the spit of 12 mosquitoes or pound the 123^rd foot of the millipede to feel good. What we need is 1 billion and four understanding and 1 billion and five of forgiveness.

Now close your eyes and get in touch with your soul. When you find her, smile to her and chant this:

God loves you. He really loves you. Really really loves you.

He will heal you and turn your scars into stars. Really really heal you.

Heal my soul and cast a spell of blessings to the world. Really really cast them.

And all shall be well. All shall be well. Really really well.

 

Feel good for God is good!

 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1Peter 5:7

🙂

Day 17: Get Up. Take A Step.

You put me down.

Down I was yet it wasn’t enough.

Enough is face flat on the ground.

Ground had my tears.

Tears flowed in sorrow.

Sorrow engulfed me as you stooped to put me down.

Down I may be but surely I will get up and take a step.

Step back I am moving on.

On stooping, realize that it’s your choice to be so low.

Low enough that I can no longer see you.

You succeeded in loosing yourself.

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For Gooseberry Garden on Longing, loss, loosing & failure.

Please click for other days.

It’s Day 17 of Feeling Good!

Down? Get up. Take a step.

Down? Get up. Take a step. Take a step.

Down? Get up. Take a step. Take a step. Take a step.

Feel good, you will reach where you are meant to be.

Just get up. Take a step.

 

Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.

– Isaiah 60:1

🙂

Day 16: Be A Good Apple

Be a good apple

knowing that you will affect

the whole basket.

You can either spoil it

or raise its value.

Please click for other days.

It’s Day 16 of Feeling Good! No doubt about it, you make a difference just like that one single apple. But unlike an apple, your condition can be reversed — from spoiled to good one; from rotten to new one.

Can you really feel good if you stay spoiled?

Come on, let your goodness come out and feel good!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

– 2 Corinthians 5:17

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Day 14: Have A Good Cry

When you are hurting

all over

over and over

again

shed those tears

release the pain

sorrow

frustration

negative emotions.

Please click for other days.

 

It’s Day 14 of Feeling Good! I cannot control my tears. And so I let them fall hoping that it will cleanse my eyes and let me see things clearer. I cannot control my crying. And so I allow myself to cry it all out hoping to get it all out.

But how can I get it all out when it seeped through my flesh and spirit?

Got to have a good cry; not for me, but to God — my Creator who made each of my bones, veins, cells – me.

I got to feel good as I allow Him to pick those things that prick my whole being.

a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance

– Ecclesiastes 3:4

🙂

Day 3: Stop Being A Victim

I was pushed toward the darkness

But just because I was in the dark

I have to stay in the dark

But just because I see no light

I have to believe that there is no light

If the smallest seed

Can push through the ground

To live in the light,

So can I.

Please click for other days.

It’s Day 3 of Feeling Good!  Whatever has befallen you, like being covered with a mop head, just shake it off and fly!

But before you take off please say this to yourself —  “I refuse to be a victim. I am a victor!”

High heat, high pressure

Carbon atoms re-arranged

See how it shines now!

Thank you so much! My pleasure to pass the brilliance to ZQ’s Runaway Child.

I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me.

– Psalm 118:13

🙂

Nesat, the 16th Typhoon to Hit the Philippines for Year 2011

harsh beating

Heavy downpours, fierce winds, floods, fallen trees, power outages, cancelled flights, missing persons, deaths, worried hearts — these are just some of the effects of the typhoon in our country.

Just yesterday, we remembered the Typhoon Ketsana (local name: Typhoon Ondoy) that struck us exactly two years ago which left more than 500 people dead. Exactly two years ago our family waded in waist-deep flood to move to safer ground. Exactly two years ago waists of some people were not reached by the flood because they were on the roof of their houses where the flood almost reaches it.

Right at this moment Typhoon Nesat (local name: Typhoon Pedring) is busy lashing out outside. It is the 16th Typhoon to hit the Philippines this year. News said that at least seven persons are now confirmed dead and Nesat is not yet stopping.

 

hanging on

Typhoons no longer make me afraid because after all we have around 20 typhoons per year. But typhoons do make my heart really really sad. Sadder than the reality that many lost homes, that is if they have one. Sadder than the reality that many don’t have supply of food, that is  if they even eat regularly prior to the typhoon. Sadder than the reality that lives were lost due to calamity, that is if they don’t consider their breathing life as calamity in itself.

What makes my heart really really sad are those beings outside of us, those beings who never once walked in our shoes, those beings who were never planted in similar geographical setting as ours, those beings who don’t have the resilience to live through all what we’re going through but confident enough to say these:

 

“Go Typhoon cleanse the land of those dog eaters !”

“Hahahahaahahahah won hung lo raugh and raugh so much at stupid inbred coconut head firipino!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahah”

“And Filipinos think they are invincible, untouchable and indispensable. Guess not.”

“pinoys are tough…as cockroaches…. yucks…disgusting”

“ohhhh, did the one god of the desert wound your land?”

“I’m sorry but which one of the imaginary fairies is going to bless these people?”

“Filipinos have been praying to their god for six hundreds years and yet their country is getting more miserable every second. Pray harder, folks.”

“Praying” to who? Your imaginary friend in the sky who never answers your prayers or anyone el ses? Doesn’t even decide to reveal itself. Ok good luck praying to something that doesn’t exist. HA!”

“Watch everything you own….been there 20 years and never meet a honest person there”

“Uh, oh! time for Obama to furher bankrupt us by borrowing money from China to give to the Phillipines!”

 

braving through

What makes my heart really really sad are those beings among us who at one point may have embittered others and provoke them to generalize, to label, to mistrust, to not give a second thought on discovering that there is really something good within us — just like the rest of the world.

If you are one of those hurt by a Filipino, please accept my apology. If you are one of those who hurt a Filipino, please accept my forgiveness.

Typhoons can be very damaging and so do tongues and thoughts. May there be healing in the land, in the people.

 

moving on

Be safe everyone and yes in the midst of all this I still want to smile –this too shall pass.

🙂

See What You Love

Image from Bluebell Books: Short Story Slam Week 10.

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“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy , what a lovely day! I will go out and capture all the beauties I see!”

And so Donald excitedly grabbed his camera, smiled, and do the duck walk.

“Goooood morning Donald! Why the grrrrrrr on the face?” Dale greeted Donald.

“Because I see you two! I am sure you will spoil my day!”

“Oh-h-h-kay! Why don’t you take my picture while I stay on top of your wise head?” Chip teased.

“Aw phooey! Chip and Dale, the chips on my shoulder!”

While Donald grumbled and decided that his day is already ruined, the butterfly whispered in his ear, “See what you love.”

“Uh-oh, looks like an inside job.”

And so Donald took shot of the mushroom house, sparkling rainbow, lovely flowers, workaholic ant, Bambi and friends, giving cow, everything – especially the wise butterfly!

“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy , what a lovely day! I have captured all the beauties I see!”

🙂

Tears

Image from Bluebell Books: Short Story Slam Week 9.

*

Hera cried.

She stood watching the ship that will take Damian away from her.

Not a square inch of her handkerchief was left dry.

She silently asked herself, “How would one know if the tears that are falling are tears of sadness or tears of happiness?”

Over the years she had grown ugly, wounded, twisted like a wire repeatedly pliered. But she kept her hopes and dreams alive, like a live wire plugged to the power source.

The ship is now drifting farther, farther and farther away as the sun goes down, down, and down. Hera knew a miracle is occurring. Together with the vanishing of the ship and the sun from her sight, the tumult of terror, bitterness, anger, and despair is leaving her as well.

She stood for a minute more before fully knowing if her tears are of sadness or of happiness. She knew the moment her lips smiled involuntarily.

Before turning back to leave, she further soaked her handkerchief.

🙂

Cornerless Field

Image from Bluebells Books: Short Story Slam Week 8

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Her heart was messy.

Her dream was broken.

She only dreamed of four happy corners and still it was taken away.

“God, I do not deserve this.”

“Yes, you do not deserve that,” replied God. “You deserve so much more.”

“I dream for you not only four happy corners but cornerless field that touches the sky.”

“All is yours but not all can be yours unless you choose to see all of it.”

“You cannot see it by just looking to the left and what is just left.”

“You cannot see it by just looking to the right and claiming that you are always right.”

“You cannot see it by just looking down and putting yourself down.”

“You cannot see it by just looking up and believe that I am only up there.”

“I am everywhere. I am especially with you. You could try seeing all around you — with my eyes.”

Her heart is merry.

🙂

Who Loves Me Not

“I love you”

I said it.

“You are not good enough”

I replayed it.

Criticism and harsh comments

I allowed them to permeate the spirit.

Regrets and aged resentment

I ensured that they could not get out.

“I love you”

I said it.

When will I sincerely mean

what I say to myself?

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For Jingle Poetry on Love and its not being there.

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For us.  Ask the One whose love is unconditional that you may hear a “Yes!”.

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Hurt, love was withheld

trapped — hostility and pain

bestowed, love can heal.

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For healing. With love.

🙂